The Memo Spot

Unicycles, Gays and the United States of America

2006-05-31T20:58:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: All Staff
FROM: dcc
RE: Unicycles, Gays and the United States of America

FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY. ALL OPINIONS ARE OF THE AUTHOR AND NOT THE OFFICAL STANCE OF THE MEMO SPOT.

Staff-

In doing entertainment research for the Memo Spots up coming blog picnic, I came across an unicyclist group. I thought it would be a fantastic addition to have an unicyclist for the children and perhaps even offer lessons for the more daring on our staff. Therefore I decided to investigate further into the rainbow decorated website. I happily learned the proprietor of this company is a man of God and a practicing Pastor. He promptly responded to my inquiry about attending the picnic but to my dismay he does not teach lessons.

However he said that his rides are intended to teach lessons. He is riding through the United States on his unicycle to push forward the causes of Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender rights. I was flabbergasted that a man with only one wheel would take on such a major endeavor. For as well all know at the Memo Spot, political advocacy should be taken on with both feet on the ground.

When I asked Lars about his reasoning for utilizing the unicycle he mentioned that people along his trip wanted to know the same thing. According to his response “The surprising thing about pedaling a unicycle for equal rights is how people love the strangeness of me riding One Wheel. Even if they struggle with LGBT difference or other kinds of difference, my One Wheel difference brings celebration instead of division.”

In further conversation I became more interested in this one wheel activist’s adventure. I wondered aloud to him, what was the deeper connection between a unicycle and LGBT rights in the United States. The answer came after a two-part question.

In asking what the biggest threat to LGBT community is in the US Lars answered: Religious Fundamentalism and in asking the biggest threat to unicyclists in the US Lars answered: Virginia Highways. Clearly, the passage of new highway laws limiting the shoulders is the work of fundamentalist religionists in the bible-thumping region on Virginia.

Therefore I purpose that no Memo Spot events should be based in Virginia. In that all events now will be on Unicycles, because of the new Memo Spot motto: “One Wheel, One Memo, One Family,” Virginia posses a large threat to not only LGBT rights, not only the future of the Memo Spot but the longevity of the United States itself.

Please take this under consideration. Additionally take a look at the new book about the evils of Virginian bible thumbing highway work that should be coming out in the next few months.

-dcc

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opps

2006-05-29T23:35:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Kenneth Lay
FROM: dcc
RE: opps

PERSONAL AND INCRIMINATING

Kenny boy-

My bad bro! I should have shredded the last parts of our workings that had to do with you stealing all of your employees’ money. I did however remove the names of other high level administration leaders and most of your lawers.

Man that really is a bummer you got nailed with all these charges and now might even have to pay for it! Rich people are supposed to be able to do what they want! What is this country coming to? I tell you my friend pretty soon they are going to close the tax loop whole that allowed our friends donate a golf course to OSU under the Katrina Hurricane tax shelter.

The world as we know it Ken is over. I will visit and bring cake.

-dcc

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Terrorist Surveillance Program vs Employee Surveillance Program

2006-05-22T16:12:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: VA, NSA
FROM: dcc
RE: Terrorist Surveillance Program vs Employee Surveillance Program

Gentlemen-

Today’s news is troublesome. As you know the government will not fund our veterans but will send them to far away places to kill in the name of freedom. Now with this breach of information, people and terrorist alike may actually learn about the poor treatment we give to our vets. This is exactly the type of information that aids the terrorist. If these lists are leaked to the wrong people the terrorist will win. We also cannot look this weak by publishing an apology letter.

With this in mind I propose the VA allows the NSA the ability to tape all conversations and actions of all VA personnel with access to these files. This clearly is for the protection of National Security. All information will only be used to track the terrorists. This falls under the third section of the USA PATRIOT ACT. Do not worry if that is not true, no one really has read the fine print anyway.

One National Under Surveillance is better than a Nation destroyed by techies and terrorists.

-dcc

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5th Avenue Store

2006-05-20T06:56:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Mac People
FROM: dcc
RE: 5th Avenue Store

Mac People-

This store may bring the end to your superiority complex and bring the small smart commuters to the masses. Be advised.

-dcc

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Telling the Truth About Terror

2006-05-06T14:20:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: POTUS
FROM: dcc
RE: Telling the Truth About Terror

George –

This is a dangerous precedent. Telling the truth about your intentions about the War on Terror will give the terrorist what they want and might also mean that this newly defined “World War” will mean that this War on Terror will end like the other World Wars ended.

As you know, wars against proper nouns are for political gains only. (see Johnson’s War on Poverty, Your Father’s War on Drugs and your War on Terror) Clearly a World War (both One and Two ended in less than 10 years) ends. You need a war that will last forever. In conversation with Rove we cleared this idea; to create a longer term and some what permanent Republican Majority, the US will need to be at war forever.

This truth is dangerous. Please keep to the plan or even the inept Democrats may be able to crack the permanent majority.

-dcc

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Future Plans in NASCAR

2006-05-05T11:07:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Rep Patrick J Kennedy
FROM: dcc
RE: Future Plans in NASCAR

Pat-

It has come to my attention that you are interested in NASCAR to make a change. This could work very well for you and for the future of your political life. However please consider the following:

1. Do not become sleep deprived
2. Do not consider an Ambien sponsorship
3. Do not disclose gastrointestinal problems
4. Do participate in jokes about your family’s driving record, but not with the Earnhardt family.

Good luck when the green flag comes down.

-dcc

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Spanish Music and American Ideals

2006-05-02T12:42:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Americans Supporting Musical Language
FROM: dcc
RE: Spanish Music and American Ideals

The music found in the below score is not true to the original intent of the music. This music was meant to create a feeling of power and patriotism. The feeling of this music, while achieving the original point and purpose of the anthem, doe this is Spanish.

Clearly Spanish is not the national language of the United States. In fact, the United States does not have an official language. But clearly Spanish is detrimental to the unity of the United States and therefore the national anthem of the United States should not be sung in Spanish.

Beyond the language of the song, the language of the words takes away the intention of the notes and music. Please let your government know what we already know; music of patriotism must be in English.

-dcc

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Blogs Leading to Dissent

2006-04-30T20:41:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Religious Institutions
FROM: dcc
RE: Blogs Leading to Dissent

God People-

There is a problem. You cannot control the godless environment of the Internet. The US government has tried and even they cannot control all the aspects of this new media outlet. Therefore you have seen an increase of dissent on the blogosphere.

The traffic on these anti-God and so-called alternative religionists blogs is exploding. Please consider the following to combat these God hating websites:

1. Talk about them as if they are instruments of the devil. Clearly by demonizing these blogs no one would want to see the sites.
2. Never allow these people back into the fold
3. Tell people they will go to hell if they visit the sites.

This will work. It always has.

-dcc

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Too soon?

2006-04-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Paul Greengrass et al
FROM: dcc
RE: Too soon?

Film Makers –

Capitalizing on tragedy is the American way. The victims of September 11th would have wanted it that way. While I have not been able to see United 93 down at Tribeca however when I do, I am sure there will be many “too soon” moments.

Yet the Memo Spot commends you film makers in the ultimate snub to the terrorist. You have taken their actions and made them American. Your money making memorial is not allowing the terrorists to win, it preserves the American Way!

With this in mind the Memo Spot would like to inform you of the award you will win in addition to anything you take from Tribeca and other festivals in the coming months: The Too Soon? award. This award is given to those who knowingly make jokes or examples out of extremely sensitive subjects far before the pain and suffering incurred by these sensitive subjects has subsided into the collective soul of society.

Congratulations on being the only people to ever be awarded this honor.

-dcc

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Blogging's conspicuous absents - response

2006-04-26T00:03:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Memo Spot Readers
FROM: dcc
RE: Blogging's conspicuous absents - response

The Memo Spot recieved the follow response to Blogging's Conspicuous Absents.

Thank you for your e-mail. I forwarded it to Prof. Sig Gissler,
Administrator of The Pulitzer Prizes. Here is his response:

"Our historic mission has focused on newspapers and now that mission
includes newspaper web sites, which can contain blogs. We will
continue to monitor the development of online journalism."

Claudia Weissberg
Website Manager
The Pulitzer Prizes

Thank you very much Pulitzer Prizes people.

-dcc

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Please consider taking responsibility for actions

2006-04-25T23:56:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: The City of Waco, Texas
FROM: dcc
RE: Please consider taking responsibility for actions

Waco-

As an occasional visitor to the fine city of Waco, with its fantastic Dr. Pepper Museum, water front and Taco Cabana, it does not seem that your city would not own up to its own past. Please consider taking responsibility for your past. Clearly by driving through Waco one can tell that all peoples are intergraded, like most of the South, and black and white live together.

Oh wait…never mind. Sorry for the confusion. Someone from the city should consider writing to the Washington Post to inform them about the reality of the situation in Waco.

-dcc

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Language confusion: Illegal Aliens or Decent People?

2006-04-24T16:46:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: POTUS
FROM: dcc
RE: Language confusion: Illegal Aliens or Decent People?

GWB-

There has been a bit of confusion regarding your speech today in the OC. You state that “we cannot lose sight of is we're talking about human beings, decent human beings.” I may be mistaken but I believe this debate is over illegal aliens in this great country. You sir seem to be confusing the mater at hand.

While I do understand you must insure the aliens do not become too restless, for they may try to gain rights like humans, using language insinuating that aliens are human is simply wrong. These aliens come here and are a plague on our society, taking work from Americans.

However most of these jobs are jobs that most Americans would not want. Therefore limiting the rights of such aliens is beneficial to America. By forcing them into a legal under class, these guest aliens will never become Americans humans and then Americans will never have to work in such jobs again.

Please however do not use language that could confuse the American people into believing that you would want to give rights and privileges of humans to these aliens. By definition aliens are not human; they are creatures from a far away place.

-dcc

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YOU WIN!

2006-04-23T17:14:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Pro-Life Lobby
FROM: dcc
RE: YOU WIN!

Anti-Baby Killers-

You have won the battle! As you now know Bob Casey, Democratic Senatorial Candidate from the State of Pennsylvania, is Pro-Life. He has garnered double digit support from a state that has elected one of the most radically right wing Senators to grace the Senate floor since the end of the Civil War. But congratulations are in order for you and your supporters in the Key Stone State.

Clearly as a one-issue advocacy coalition, that does not mind what the party affiliation of your supports may be, that does not have any other right wing agenda and that does not have any motivation to create a theocracy in the US, this is a victory.

Today you will see that even the “Pragmatic Progressive Women for Casey” have joined the cause against a right of a woman to choose to have a medical procedure. This is the first time a baby killing organization has seen the light of limiting rights of women. This is a time for celebration.

Good luck in the general election.

-dcc

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bio-diesel and fast food distribution

2006-04-22T00:09:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Sysco Foods Distribution
FROM: dcc
RE: bio-diesel and fast food distribution

SFD

This is the largest opportunity to increase profits and look good to those crazy tree hugging socialist pinko haters in the process. Bio-diesel is an “earth friendly” method of transportation. By utilizing spent vegetable oils found at most of the locations you distribute to, bio-diesel burns a clean and semi-renewable low waste fuel. Additionally most diesel engines are capable of simple conversion into bio-diesel machines. Comically the fumes from the bio-diesel engines smell like the food that was prepared in the spent vegetable oil.

However the brilliance of this idea came from a gentleman (herein Bio-Diesel Man or BDM) on the streets of New York City who has asked the Memo Spot for representation. All ideas and marketing plans from herein are copy written and subject to all laws and regulations thereof. By converting chuck wagons (yuck wagon, roach coach etc) into bio-diesel engines, your operators will utilize free advertisement AND will never have to stop for gas.

BDM’s foolproof marketing plan for these new self-fueling and self-advertising trucks represents the newest wave of economic and environmental integration. By driving them around college campuses from 11pm until 4 am with the trucks moving at full speed, hence burning a significant amount of bio-diesel, there will be an endless supply of consumers.

-dcc

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Survival sounds very much like Darwinism

2006-04-20T12:29:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: White House Communications Office
FROM: dcc
RE: Survival sounds very much like Darwinism

To Whom It May Concern:

With the termination of Press Secretary Scott McClellan and the redirection of Mr. Rove to focus on the destruction of the two party system in favor of a unitary executive and rubber stamp congress, the press has run a mock with misinformation.

As we all know Darwinism is nothing more than a scientific theory and an affront to Bible religious thought. Clearly the White House cannot be “in Survival Mode” for the white house does not accept the above stated theory of “Survival of the Fittest.”

Someone in the Communications office must take action to insure that the White House is not mistake for accepting this theory as science. The fate of political religion and right wing Christianity is at stake with such a mistake. Survival is not a question; for the Divine Providence of this White House is secured. There is no number of staff shake ups that could ever take God off the pay role. But someone must fix this press situation. Clearly the Washington Post is a Godless liberal bastion of pure evil.

Take care of this now.

-dcc

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cold emailing a blogger for hits

2006-04-19T23:52:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Howdy
FROM: dcc
RE: cold emailing a blogger for hits

H-

While I respect the attempt to cold email the Memo Spot for added linkage (which you will get), I would suggest sending this cold email to a larger blogger. While the Memo Spot does bring the truth in a new form, its number hits are most likely closer to your level over there at "Who Am I 1234567" than say, bongbong or kos.

Additionally your email needs some work my friend. As a man working in the blogging industry along side of you I would suggest if you are going to advertise you should do it well. You being in the business of “funny” you should try to be funny. For example:

Do you need some humor in your life???

http://WhoAmI1234567.blogspot.com/

Great Thought, Riddles, Videos & Award Winning Humor w/o commercial advertisements...

Updated daily!!!

Seen in a cafeteria :

Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

A shrimp sole my girl; I lobster and haven't flounder!

A note left for a pianist from his wife: Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.

Sir that is not funny. Many corporations have gotten away with false advertisement and the government is very good at this, however for those of us just starting cannot try to pull the wool over the eyes of the people. That is why we here at the Memo Spot do a good job and only beg to be on lists like http://www.blogebrity.com/thelist/ and are invited to be part of lists like http://government.blogranking.us/.

As neophytes in this ever-expanding world of blogs, we must play by the rules. Soon the blogosphere will be governed by the same rules as other corporations and then you will be able to coerce your clientele into believing you are funny. So until the day you are funny, send the link and say you are funny. Most corporations get away with that everyday.

Thanks again,

-dcc

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What haaaaappened?

2006-04-19T18:09:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Karl Rove
FROM: dcc
RE: What haaaaappened?
CC: POTUS

Karl-

Why did you leave the post of the head of policy? You did such a fantastic job. It is against policy for me to write all of your brilliant ideas here in this memo, but your boss’ approval ratings are clear. Your absent will be missed sir.

Good luck with the midterms, but you should not have to worry about the Democrats. They cannot get their act together to use this against you.

-dcc

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Blogging's conspicuous absents

2006-04-17T18:09:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: The Pulitzer Prize Committee
FROM: dcc
RE: Blogging's conspicuous absents

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Prize Committee

Since1917 many fantastic people and organizations have won awards of the coveted Pulitzer variety. Over the years the prize has been extended to new forms of journalistic expressions. Now as the world of blogs daily expands exponentially, the Memo Spot would like to ask why the blogosphere has been ignored by the prize committee.

Additionally why have memos, the most ignored form of literary expression, been ignored? Memos found at the Memo Spot have exposed the defense of the President by puppets, the conspiracy of the Upper Respiratory Illness and the war to stop this menace and scientific discovery.

Please provide a rational reason why these two forms of expression are not valued.

-dcc

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Online campaigning

2006-04-17T16:28:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN)
FROM: dcc
RE: Online campaigning

Billy-

Nicely done sir! Being compared to that loose cannon and failure of a Presidential Candidate must be a relief. The other political MD did such a fantastic job working both online and in the general primaries, it must be an honor to be compared to him in your online fight. Your campaign website is fantastic. You have blog and PodCasts, totally an original idea for this upcoming election.

While you have the time to run around like Dr. Dean, it seems the Senate is falling to the wayside. Please allow us at the Memo Spot help you out. We can issue you public statement from now on, to save time for your Senate office.

Regards to Karyn,

-dcc

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Defense of American Families

2006-04-17T11:57:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Cookie Monster, Big Bird et al.
FROM: dcc
RE: Defense of American Families

CM, BB and other such defenders of the American way of life-

For years you have preached a sermon of purity on your show Sesame Street; where all people must be the same to be considered real Americans, where people have similar ideas about the world, where everyone looks and acts the same. While sometimes your show must consider diversity or even show case different cultures as a “learning experience” you have take it upon yourselves to be true Americans and defenders of the nuclear family.

Now with your work defending the President of the United States against the influx of Gay families, you should be commended as the truest true defenders of such purity. As we see in the liberal media, which we know PBS fights on a daily basis, there is a so-called “role” Gays at the White House Easter Egg Roll. This is not only offensive; it is ignorant of the message of Easter: Jesus' resurrection for he sacrificed his life for the sins of nuclear families.

The Memo Spot would like to thank you for your selfless service in the face of diversity.

-dcc

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Feingold Threat

2006-04-06T11:30:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: RNC
FROM: dcc
RE: Feingold Threat

White Men-

There is a problem. Sen. Russ Feingold has not flip-flopped yet. His staunch opposition to the USAPATRIOT act, wire tap program (well done on the re-naming to the Terrorist Surveillance Program by the way, very Ministry of Love) the new Censure Resolution and now this Gay Marriage thing, we have a real problem: A Democrat who stands for Democratic issues.

We all know Russ, that Ivy educated liberal (read Jew), has political aspirations higher than the US Senate. The fact that we try to paint him as an irresponsible liberal will not work because he is a RESPONSIBLE liberal. Friends we have not seen such a man for generations.

The campaign against this man will be long and difficult. Our only hope is the Democratic Party will do as they do; put on a great show with no substance.

-dcc

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Hygiene and Condom-soap

2006-04-05T23:17:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Jacob Zuma
FROM: dcc
RE: Hygiene and Condom-soap

Jack-

Showers must be taken regularly to avoid infections. However if you did not use the new condom-soap after "sex" or rather DURING "SEX" the hygienic aspects of the post-intercourse shower wont work as well as you might think.

Once elected to President South Africa, with a population of five million HIV infected persons, please increase your education funding.

-dcc

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No longer the best at being fat

2006-04-05T20:38:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: American Women
FROM: dcc
RE: No longer the best at being fat

We are losing the battle of the bulge. According to the Centers for Disease Control women in this country, American woman, are stemming the tied of Obesity. Americans may lose their supremacy in obesity and this is unacceptable.

The United States must be the best at every thing. There is no place in America for second best. Luckily men and children still understand the American way of life, being the best. Even when in first place, American men and American children understand that continuing to improve, even when no one could be close to taking over the lead, is the pursuit of the American dream.

-dcc

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French Market Place

2006-04-04T13:13:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: T-shirt manufactures
FROM: dcc
RE: French Market Place

There is a huge opportunity for investment and profit on the streets of Paris this coming week. Millions are expected to take part in the festivities. Hence the profit margin could be astronomical. Please consider the following:

1. Buy many cheaply made t-shirts made with imported cotton and assembled in East Asia.
2. Print slogans like “NON” and “Il est mon droit de travailler!” and “Chirac est un commerçant à l'ouvrier”
3. Sell them to students telling them all shirts are “Fabriqué en France”
4. Take this money and reinvest in a country that is willing to move into modernity while still helping its workers.

If you are able to find such a state please inform all recipients of this memo.

-dcc

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Job Offer

2006-04-03T23:04:00.000-04:00

Memo

TO: Tom DeLay
FROM: dcc
RE: Job Offer

Tommy-

Congratulations on your early retirement! The Memo Spot would like to extend an employment opportunity in that you will have some time on your hands. The Memo Spot needs to streamline its decision making process. From the background check it is clear that you know how to make the rules work for you.

In that your party deconstructed the evil social security system you might need a job. Please consider bring your power consolidation skills to the Memo Spot.

Send your resume to MemoSpot@gmail.com

-dcc

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Flipping and other such acrobatics detrimental to longevity of ’06 House run

2006-03-31T12:08:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Rep Tom DeLay (TX-22)
FROM: dcc
RE: Flipping and other such acrobatics detrimental to longevity of ’06 House run

Tom-

You staff has taken up a very dangerous sport in the mist of an election year: gymnastics. Your aid is now on the record for “flipping” and other such acrobatics. I would suggest that you put an end to these gymnastics before you or your staff get hit with a hamstring pull or another debilitating injury.

Tony Rudy, one of your closest aides, has received tons of press for his fantastic new gymnastic prowess.

For your own good, please look into stopping this practices of flipping.

-dcc

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Self-defense, Tai Chi and other Classes to be offered by Rep Cynthia McKinney (D-GA)

2006-03-30T12:05:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: 109th Congress
FROM: dcc
RE: Self-defense, Tai Chi and other Classes to be offered by Rep Cynthia McKinney (D-GA)

Rep McKinney of Georgia will be offering a curriculum of physical educational classes in her office near the New Jersey and C Street entrance to the Longworth House Office Building.

Rep McKinney's office released a statement in which she explains “"that Capitol Hill Police are securing our safety, and I appreciate the work that they do.” The statement goes on to say that she is happy to help with her expert level of hand-to-hand combat skills.

These classes will be open to all Members and Staff. Capital Police are also invited to take part either by choice or by force when they choose not to recognize African-American Congress Members.

-dcc

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Welcome home

2006-03-30T09:03:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Jill Carroll
FROM: dcc
RE: Welcome home

JC-

Well done and welcome back! Looking forward to the story and book deal.

With this in mind, the Memo Spot would like to offer you a three-memo deal on a freelance basis. If you are interested please contact us at MemoSpot@gmail.com

All rights will be yours and the Memo Spot will treat you even better than the Christian Science Monitor.

Welcome home!

-dcc

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Changing the Face of the United Nations

2006-03-29T21:03:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Ambassador John Bolton
FROM: dcc
RE: Changing the Face of the United Nations
CC: NATO, EU

JB-

Congratulations on the Iran resolution. As you know you came to the UN to change the way that institution does business. You must be very pleased with the fact you have done just that with this extremely strong resolution calling for the UN IAEA to report back to you about the situation in Iran. That is the type of action that you were talking about when you called for action: a report from a UN affiliate group. Well done.

Please advise all recipients of this memo to more actions with IAEA, Oil For Food Program and other institutional changes you are fixing.

-dcc

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Abramoff and Hats

2006-03-29T17:38:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Caps and Hats Everywhere of America and Turkey
FROM: dcc
RE: Abramoff and Hats

Jack Abramoff has been sentieced to six years in federal prison today and he wore a baseball cap out of the proceedings. During previous events Abramoff has been known to wear a black fedora. Every this man is in public, hundreds of thousands of pictures are taken of the man.

CHEAT has the perfect opportunity to make money off of Abramoff. This man is an equal opportunity hat and cap wearing individual. He will be in the public eye for at least two or three more months. Considering a CHEAT sponsorship of Abramoff may be a positive way to get your message to the American people. While it might be hard to reach your Turkish audience, Abramoff is known for reaching all kinds of disenfranchised groups and individuals.

This is a huge opportunity. Do not miss it!

-dcc

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PR, iPod and Votes

2006-03-29T17:26:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Congressman Edward J. Markey
FROM: dcc
RE: PR, iPod and Votes

Ed-

As you know, the iPod is the most popular piece of personal technology available. By capitalizing on its flaws you placed yourself in the spot light. While you have increased you donor base to those at the National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders, you have destroyed all possibility of the youth vote. You do utilize a blog on you website, so you are reaching the younger voter through other popular technology. I would sugguest considering Pod Casts in muted tones.

-dcc

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Fairness and Truthiness

2006-03-29T00:10:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Steven Colbert
FROM: dcc
RE: Fairness and Truthiness

SC:

Well done with Brown. The way in which you engaged him in questioning and not backing down will lead to the real truthiness behind the human side of the destruction; the lack of action by all levels of government. However the real fairness aspect of the Truthiness of your show would have been better served if you made Mr. Brown take pants down.

As fairness goes sir, when making a person remove his pants for you should first offer him a new wardrobe to talk about on email or at least a drink. While it may be true that the inept Administration did find a perfect scapegoat in this man, you did a very well in holding him and the rest of the Administration responsible for their heckuva job in dropping ball.

Thank you for serving your country better than any other American.

-dcc

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Senate Judiciary is Weak

2006-03-27T23:23:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: House Republicans
FROM: dcc
RE: Senate Judiciary is Weak

Rep Reps:

You were strong by in stating all immigrants must be strung up by their thumbs. Your law also will kill – by electrocution- anyone who will help these immigrants who will be strung up by their thumbs. Well done. Congressman Tom Tancredo should be given the American Hero Award for Real Americans saving America for Americans. This fine American has stated that illegal immigrants are “a scourge that threatens the very future of our nation.” As our fore fathers said: Illegal Immigration to this country will defame our history from today back to the Pilgrims.

However even with Congressman Tancredo’s American Hero Award for Real Americans saving America for Americans, the Senate Judiciary bowed to the pressure of the ever-powerful illegal immigrant lobby. In a new study released by Harvard, it is clear that the immigrant lobby is responsible for this new version of the weaker and un-American immigration reform.

I am very worried about this weakness. Please tell your comrades in the Senate to get in line to protect America. Thank you for being true Americans. One day you too might win an American Hero Award for Real Americans saving America for Americans.

-dcc

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Finally Found Weapons of Mass Destruction

2006-03-26T21:56:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Bush Administration
FROM: dcc
RE: Finally Found Weapons of Mass Destruction

Finally we have found evidence of the WMD! Camels, truly disgusting animals, are now to be at the center of the investigation. Millions of pounds of camels are now under careful scrutiny of the military. The camels, the real reasons for war, can be seen at the Abu Gharib Zoo.

Some of the most dangerous Camels of Mass Destruction (CMD) have been disassembled by the US Military Veterinary Corps. CMDs finally have made it work! Congratulations to the justification of the war that is killing thousands of American and Coalition soldiers, hundreds of thousands Iraqis, destabilizing of the Middle East and costing upwards of billions of dollars to for the United States.

-dcc

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Cultural Awareness Award

2006-03-26T16:06:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: FX Television Network
FROM: dcc
RE: Cultural Awareness Award
CC: Media Action Netword for Asian Americans

FX:

This memo is to serve as a notice of the Cultural Awareness Award. On Sunday March 19, 2006, you scheduled back to back a voice of edition of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Bulletproof Monk.

This deep cultural understanding of the Far East has earned you the first ever MemoSpot Cultural Awareness Award. Congratulations.

-dcc

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Terrorism in Pakistan

2006-03-24T23:38:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Jews and Hindus
FROM: dcc
RE: Terrorism in Pakistan

Jews and Hindus:

Let this memo serve as a cease and desist notice. You are responsible for the “foreign terrorist” activities. As you know the Islamisist terrorism is clearly the fault of those targeted by the Islamisist terrorism.

The Pakistani military, allies in the War on Terrorism, have finally illuminated the facts for all to learn. Jews and Hindus you should be ashamed of yourselves for helping the “foreign terrorist” activities in a country you in which you cannot set foot.

Platitudes and pleasantries aside: stop your reign of terror!

-dcc

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Job Offer without Editorial Review

2006-03-24T19:31:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Ben Domenech
FROM: dcc
RE: Job Offer without Editorial Review

Ben-

The liberally (herein ‘they’ or ‘them’) controlled media has asked not to make things up and to actually create original statements. They also want you to cite sources when making statements. This is truly a step towards them controlling more than just the media. Your blog was just fine by me.

In that vein I am going to take (without asking) from RedState.com. This post on RedState.com has welcomed you back to write and plagiarize on that site. RedState.com, like the WashingtonPost.com is a website that should read as a source of true journalism.

Redstate Reaction to Ben's Resignation
By: Clayton · Section: Miscellania

The server logs tell us that many of you are coming here looking for the Redstate reaction to Ben's resignation from the Washington Post. And no doubt you want to know what his status with Redstate is, and 'where we go' from here.

The left has their blood today. Ben resigned from the WashingtonPost.com. He did not resign from RedState - and even if he tried to do so, we would have refused to accept it. The four Directors of this site, including Ben, had a call earlier today shortly after he spoke with the Post and we're happy that Ben's staying right here.

We are disappointed in the turn of events, yes. We are also disappointed in some of our allies in their rush to judgement. But, alas, we live and die by the speed of the Internet. As I said yesterday, the conservative movement is larger than me, you, Ben, Redstate, or any individual or group.

Regardless of the offer to work at home please consider working for the Memo Spot. Send your resume or another person’s resume to MemoSpot@gmail.com

While many feel this is the start of a new look at blogging not as journalism but as partisan finger pointing. Ben we know as young people in this new media, that online finger pointing of the traditional media and the new media is nothing new. We know that blogging is cheap. Therefore blogging not as controlled as the other media by traditional funding and because the Bush Administration has not destroyed all of the pesky First Amendment. The established media will ask people sitting in their Pajamas to follow rules that “they” only do tacitly.

Please consider fabricating and forming unfounded opinions for the Memo Spot.

-dcc

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Captors Responsible for Your Freedom

2006-03-23T19:34:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Norman Kember, James Loney, and Harmeet Singh Sooden, Three Freed Christian Peacemakers Teams Activists
FROM: dcc
RE: Captors Responsible for Your Freedom

Peace Activists:

You were kidnapped in November. Your organization has been on the record stating that your kidnapping was due to the “illegal US occupation of Iraq” and have little to nothing to do with you being nabbed by masked militants in a country you came to stand in the middle of a war zone.

The misguided war is truly helped by the fact that believers of peace take risks to bring tidings of peace to Baghdad while not thanking those who taken them out of the hands of people threatening to kill said believers. There is nothing better than finding advocates for peace in the middle of a war zone as apposed to working for change in the halls of power. Selfless or ish risk taking will bring about the change you so desire.

Congratulations on your release.

-dcc

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Brilliance of Targetted Faith Based Grants – The Next Step

2006-03-22T22:09:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: H. James Towey; Director of White House Office of Faith Based and Community Initiatives
FROM: dcc
RE: Brilliance of Targetted Faith Based Grants – The Next Step

H-

The time has come to take the next step. The Bush administration has done a fantastic job insuring the next zealot will have a paved road to the White House. The real brilliance found in this plan is that only right wing religious groups apply for federal funding. Liberal religious groups stand against the involvement of government in religion and therefore are apposed to even applying for such grants. Hence you never need lie to the press and the line “we give grants to the best application” is true. I applauded these efforts.

The most amazing aspect of this political funding coup is that you are even giving this money to minorities. Your “color blind” construction of funding to evangelical Protestants pure and unadulterated PR gold that hides perfectly the fact that some of the largest “non-political” grants are being awarded to conservative organizations in Presidential battle ground states.

However the final step will be to bring all of these faith groups together on the Fourth of July to use the paper on display at the archives as the fuel to shoot off the fireworks for Washington, DC.

Please consider this option. Then you will no longer have to include “Community” in your title as an attempt to show your even handed distribution of funding to the divers citizenry of this great and Godly nation.

-dcc

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Law to be designed and signed by Executive

2006-03-22T22:05:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Congressional Democrats and Liberal Interest Groups
FROM: dcc
RE: Law to be designed and signed by Executive

Please stop complaining about the Constitution. With the introduction of the Censure Resolution by Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI) and now this law suit about the Deficit Reduction Omnibus Reconciliation Act it is clear that you did not understand the fact that with the re-election of President Bush and his clear electoral mandate, there is no longer a need for congressional oversight or legislating.

This bill takes billions of dollars away from Medicare over the next five years. Medicare is largely seen an expense that is useless, providing medical insurance to millions of poor people who should get a job, like all of you belly aching liberals. The “constitutionality” is clearly irrelevant and at one point the Supreme Court will be completely controlled by those with the correct interpretation of the “constitution” and therefore any complaints regarding this bill are again irrelevant.

Please stop complaining and get inline. If you do not support the Deficit Reduction Omnibus Reconciliation Act (which passed the Senate 50-51) the terrorists win.

-dcc

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Bird Flu from Promiscuity

2006-03-21T17:22:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Avian Influenza Scientists
FROM: dcc
RE: Bird Flu from Promiscuity

Scientists:

Clearly as it says in the bible, the animals will be afflicted by the maleficent of man. Please read the reports of Israeli Kabbalist David Basri as proof. Therefore the way to end the Avian Flu Pandemic is to end all sexual promiscuity. The real science must be directed in controlling hormones of sexually deviant individuals especially homosexual men.

One need look no farther than the fact that bird flu started in the Far East, known for its accepting societal regulations towards homosexuality and that it has not effected Western Europe or the United State because of its total intolerance of homosexuality in thier society. Clearly the fact that Turkey other Middle Eastern countries are discovering bird flu in their poultry stocks is because of the lavish gay pride day festivities taking place in Medina and Amman.

-dcc

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A New Foe Identified in the War on URI

2006-03-20T16:37:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: NYC Commuters and Upper Respiratory Sufferers
FROM: dcc
RE: A New Foe Identified in the War on URI

Private and Classified

It has been about three months since the beginning of the liberation of NYC from the Upper Respiratory Illness (URI). The War on URI has found its way into a battle of epic proportions in the Cradle of Human Breath and therefore life. The War on URI, a clearly identifiable bacterial infection plaguing the city, has metamorphosed into a Viral Infection of the throat. This must be considered part of the same War on URI and therefore must be attacked in the same way.

While none of the conventional means to fight the URI are affective in combating Viral Infections, we must stay the course to bring about the freedom to the oppressed throats of the world. As was previously mentioned the connection between these two illnesses do not exist, by following the below outlined plan, the American people will believe the threat is real and there is a clear connection between the illnesses.

First we will appoint a “friendly” group of scientists to the Food and Drug Administration and to the Centers for Disease Control. These two groups will make a few statements that will be under that radar of most of the major news publications that will be used by tacit approval for the connection between URI and Viral Infections.

As our second step we must provide evidence that the Viral Infection is clearly an illness of mass destruction and repeat this statement continuously in the media. After a clear line between the IMD and Viral Infections and ultimately the War on URI is established we will have the premises for any action against the Viral Infections under the guise of War on URI.

As previously mentioned in the original memo on URI, we will never be able to totally beat the URI into submission; we will defiantly not be able to beat the Viral Infection. However, our first hits against the Virus will seem as if we have beat the infection while in reality the insurgency of a sore throat and headache will last forever. This will allow for the eternal expansion of Pharmaceutical Industrial Complex.

Remember that this is simply an expansion of the War on URI. We must remember that if there is a scientific or medical question about the foundations of these connects we must all call this person out an agent of illness. God Bless the America.

-dcc

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“God, Satan, and Katrina”

2006-03-16T20:51:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: The Editors of Newsweek
FROM: dcc
RE: “God, Satan, and Katrina”

To the Editors:

Thank you for giving Rev. Billy Graham a national stage. With his long history of compassion to those who disagree and believe differently, his words of wisdom in the answers to those lowball questions presented in this article were truly enlightening. The pages of Newsweek have been graced with the puerile albeit tame words of an internationally infamous bigot. Please consider calling the rest of the NAE all-stars to provide the opportunity for these compassionate conservatives bend their version of “good news” on the pages of Newsweek. Congratulations for this hard-hitting journalism. Next week I look forward to reading about the long lasting benefits of abstinence only sex education.

-dcc

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Revisiting hunting, abortion and abstinence only sexual education

2006-03-16T20:37:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Republican Party, NAE, NRA
FROM: dcc
RE: Revisiting hunting, abortion and abstinence only sexual education
CC: NOW, NARLA, Planed Parenthood, Choice USA et al.

Friends:

It has come to my attention that a majority of the students receiving the abstinence only sexual education (AOSE) model are located in Heartland. In the AOSE model students are not taught about anything but abstaining from sex is the only way not to be infected with Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) and that babies come from storks. The logic is simple: To keep from getting Heartland children pregnant teachers tell them that by having sex before marriage will lead to a preempted arrival of a stork to their family and that they will die from horrific and medically inaccurate descriptions of preventable and treatable disease.

Most of these Heartland communities are also predominantly anti-choice and pro-life. There is a direct correlation between the AOSE and the ignoramus-like behavior towards abortion and family planning.

Finally in many Heartland states hunting is a popular activity for many people. The National Rifle Association has many of its major conventions in Heartland states and much of its membership is comprised of people living in the Heartland, while a majority of the United States population lives along the coasts.

As brief review: storks bring babies according to the education given to Heartland students, most Heartland communities are anti-choice and many Heartlanders enjoy hunting. In that we teach that storks bring babies in the venerated AOSE, would hunting these birds constitute an abortion?

This is a major problem. Please advise.

-dcc

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Senatorial Wardrobe Malfunctions

2006-03-15T15:04:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Queer Eye Guys
FROM: dcc
RE: Senatorial Wardrobe Malfunctions

Guys:

Please discuss how to help would be Democratic Presidential hopefuls tie their ties. Clearly Sen. Russ Feingold desires much in the next few years and will find himself the Sunday Talk Shows and will have more time on CSPAN. Please help him make his tie look like it belongs around his neck.

This is even more important now that Sen. Feingold has introduced the Censure of the President of the United States. While Sen. Feingold tends to have many intelligent things to say it seems like a monkey dresses him, while the target of his current endeavor tends to have many simian-like things to say, he tends to be dressed very well. Clearly this is a problem in political world based on physical appearances.

Please take up an important stance for the people of the United States.

-dcc

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Religion in Schools Cafeterias

2006-03-14T14:48:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Cafeteria Association of Religious Educators: Tulsa, Oklahoma, Ohio, Michigan Utah, Chicago & Houston.
FROM: dcc
RE: Religion in Schools Cafeterias
CC: Church of Scientology

It seems clear that the proliferation of religious intolerance in school lunch rooms has lead to many of our best Chefs to leave their posts, leaving children confused and sad to lose their lunch time mentors. In your position as the Cafeteria Association of Religious Educators (or CARE) you must address this concern.

CARE has in the past taken stances on bigotry, racism, homophobia and anti-Semitism all while serving millions of children Salisbury steak on Tuesdays. While most members did stay completely silent while some of the most famous elementary school children did engage in harmful and hateful speech and actions, when these children turned to attack the Church of Scientology CARE spring into action.

I thank you for your continued work to set such a high standard of decorum when dealing with these issues. CARE Tulsa, Oklahoma, Ohio, Michigan Utah, Chicago & Houston has done much of what it has set out to do in the world. Thank you again CARE TOOMUCH

-dcc

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Zacarias Moussaoui cases gets dismissed and the Terrorists win

2006-03-13T18:38:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Terrorists
FROM: dcc
RE: Zacarias Moussaoui cases gets dismissed and the Terrorists win

Terrorists:

Congratulations Terrorists! Because U.S. District Judge Leonie M. Brinkema’s take the death penalty off the table of your co-worker’s conspiracy case for the death penalty, you might win your fight. Taking the death penalty will clearly allow you, the Terrorists, to win.

As we all know, thinking critically or following the laws found in the constitution leads to Terrorists (you all) to winning.

So congratulations again and good luck with taking the death penalty off the table.

-dcc

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Acquisition of Pentagon Public Affairs Official

2006-03-12T17:44:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: MemoSpot Public Affairs
FROM: dcc
RE: Acquisition of Pentagon Public Affairs Official

Communications Types:

We must find the individual who place Pfc Jeffery Straat on the Weekend Today Show this morning. This fine young man has become the poster boy for the NFL recruitment angle after the news of the Fratricide former Arizona Cardinal and Army Ranger Pat Tillman. This officers placed this freshly shaven, clean cut Jarhead on the Sunday morning feel good news show to prove that the NFL is still a great place to get their poster children.

We must find this person and offer him a job. This is by far the most intelligent PR move the military has ever made. Take away from the same story with a new story! If this young man makes all the rounds, the American people are sure to forget that the venerated Pat Tillman was murdered by hazing! Brilliant!

Please make this acquisition a priority on Monday.

-dcc

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Hiding behind a computer to speak your mind

2006-03-09T16:28:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Law abiding Web-Citizens
FROM: dcc
RE: Hiding behind a computer to speak your mind

There has been an exponential increase in the number of WWW Gangs in the last ten years. We, the law abiding web-citizens, must say no to the weak minded people who need to hide behind a computer to express themselves. We must demand that these WWW Gangsters step up and identify themselves as individuals and not just IP address.

The world of the internet should be for full disclosure and not crime or unsolicited opinion. With the migration from the street to the WWW these hommies are degrading the pristine environment where America’s children spend their time learning about the importance of the American Dream. There is no place for such filth on the internet!

Gang bangers are weaklings that should stand up to the reality of the Internet age and show their true face.

-dcc

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Fixer Upper on Market in Downtown Baghdad

2006-03-09T15:52:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Real-estate Developers
FROM: dcc
RE: Fixer Upper on Market in Downtown Baghdad

This soon to be emptied large cavernous building is ideal for a resort is sure to be a tourist attraction. This historical building has housed famous people in the past and is also home to a historical photo gallery.

This building is in the heart of downtown and is know for its extreme security measures. It has been said that in both the former Baathist regime as well as the current Free Iraq, anything that happens inside will never truly be discovered.When privacy is valued, this location is perfect for you and your investors.

For more information about developing the land know in the Western world as Abu-Ghraib please contact Mr. Donald Rumsfeld here.

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Lessons in Blame Shifting

2006-03-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: 109th Congress
FROM: dcc
RE: Lessons in Blame Shifting

Congress:

President Bush has presented that all of the Gulf Coast is being “short changed” when it comes to Katrina rebuilding. Clearly with the loss of the blame game, President Bush is now blaming Congress for the Administrations ineptitude. While the over use of the term "blame game" did get pretty old, it did succeed in shifting the focus of lackluster response of the federal government to a lackluster PR move. Shockingly not playing the blame game resulted in blaming Democrats.

However, President Bush stated clearly that you, the 109th Congress, are shafting the Gulf Coast. As the President takes more photo-ops please be advised he will continue to blame you for his mistakes. There is something to be learned here. Next week we will find that it is France who is at fault for the insurgency in Iraq.

-dcc

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You are not going to die

2006-03-08T14:25:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Coffee Consumers
FROM: dcc
RE: You are not going to die

A study published today regarding the consumption of high levels of caffeine, a chemical that makes one jumpy and nervous, can lead to heart attack. This shocking revelation that extended exposure to this blood pressure increasing substance will lead to heart problems is shocking.

However because Americans tend to be conspicuous consumers in general, the nearly 3 million Americans who consume on average 2.5 cups of coffee a day will be in good company with the nearly 2/3 of the American population who are over weight.

In conclusion, there is nothing to be worried about and to stop the vigorous consumption of coffee would be detrimental to the world economy and national security. So enjoy your Vente Quad Soy Latte with Splenda.

-dcc

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Do not worry about the Democrats

2006-03-06T23:51:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: RCCC, RSCC,RNC
FROM: dcc
RE: Do not worry about the Democrats

Republicans:

Even with our reported inept response to Katrina, our current mishaps with lobbyists, our flexible ideas about ethics, torture of detainees, preemptive war with fluid goals, domestic wire taps on American citizens, stone walling of reporters, funding religious groups in favor social programming for impoverished Americans, politicization of science and stacking of the federal bench the Democrats will not have a clear message for at least six months.

According to Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV)"By the time the election rolls around, people are going to know where Democrats stand.” So for at least six months we can dominate the airwaves and legislative agenda with no real competition or argument.

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Our Gays Stay Out of Streets Most of the Time

2006-03-06T23:31:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Focus on the Family, Catholic League, Traditional Values Coalition
FROM: dcc
RE: Our Gays Stay Out of Streets Most of the Time

Values People:

Today we learn of the debauchery that is known well in Australia. Their Gays do not stay in the mountains to heard sheep, but dance in the streets. While we know that Gays constitute at least 10% of the global population, in the United States they have the good sense to stay in Hollywood and the hills of Brokeback. We must stand against such horrific statements of freedom and exposure to what we do not think is good for our children. What is next from these Gay loving Australians? Marriage equality and visitation rights for Gays? We must stand for the traditional values of the oppression of those we do not agree with and condemn them to hell. For as it says in the bible: If you disagree with us you are going to hell (FoF 10:12).

Thank you all for all of your work to insure the vitality of the ideals of a minority of repressed people in America and please help to keep the Gays in the hills.

-dcc

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Didn’t we do this before?

2006-03-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: AT&T HQ
FROM: dcc
RE: Didn’t we do this before?

AT&T

If I am not mistaking you were once monopoly and then the evil busy-body federal government started regulating your business interests and then made the Bell Family extremely dysfunctional; leading to the 1984 break up of AT&T. However, now you are looking to get back together with your former family. This is a great step forward for American Family Values and for Corporate Strength in this country.

Congratulations on working your way around the governments strangle hold on multi-billion dollar corporate interests while terminating more than 10,000 American workers. Please also comply with all court orders to provide call records of terrorists. You as a corporation are living the American Dream.

-dcc

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Please come back to work for the Bush Administration

2006-03-05T12:04:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Plumbers et al.
FROM: dcc
RE: Please come back to work for the Bush Administration

Gentlemen:

It has been far too long since the government enforced a no leak policy upon all of its employees. It gives me great pride to share with you that the Bush White House has instituted lie detector tests and threats of espionage against employees and journalists.

Because of your abilities and skills, this memo is to serve as a head hunting notice. Please report to serve your countries as it destroys evil civil liberties to protect the American Way.

Regards to the family,

-dcc

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FEMA tapes and vindication

2006-03-04T12:49:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Brownie
FROM: dcc
RE: FEMA tapes and vindication
CC: POTUS, VPOTUS, Department of Homeland Security, Gulf Coast Residents from Eastern Texas to Western Alabama

Brownie:

Please answer the following questions in the body of this memo and respond to all CC’s:

1. Did you nationalize the hurricane relief of the summer of 2005 with in a day of the extreme flooding in NOLA?
2. Did you have time to have multiple email exchanges about your physical appearance and wardrobe in during the days after the Katrina?
3. Besides having a “gut feeling this was going to be a bad one” what did you do to prepare for the massive amount of evacuees and fatalities?
4. Did you speak with Mayor Ray Nagin about your contingency plans for a major levy breach prior to landfall?

If you answered no to a majority of these questions, these tapes make you look a little less inept. Please refrain from going on TV and pretending it was “a Washington need to put a good face on the problem.”

-dcc

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Watch your mouth when calling your Senators – their phones are tapped

2006-03-02T19:45:00.000-05:00

Memo
TO: Constituents of Daniel Akaka, Jeff Bingaman, Robert Byrd, Russell Feingold, Tom Harkin, Patrick Leahy, Carl Levin, Patty Murray, Ron Wyden and James Jeffords
FROM: dcc
RE: Watch your mouth when calling your Senators – their phones are tapped

For those of you in the states represented by the above listed Senators, please mind your words when making constituent calls to these offices. After voting against the renewal of the USA PATRIOT ACT today, the administration feels that these members of Senate clearly are comprise of a small but powerful sleeper cell just waiting to attack by protecting civil liberties and the American Way.

-dcc

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An even better way to stop unintended pregnancies in the US

2006-03-01T17:18:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Half of the Female Population Getting Pregnant in the United State
FROM: dcc
RE: An even better way to stop unintended pregnancies in the US
CC: Pro-Life types

Women:

While it is clear that the 33 states that have substantially cut funding to life saving and sustaining medical information and contraceptives is a step in the direction of Life and the American Dream, there is an even better way to stop unintended pregnancies in this country: Have boys.

Where as about 50% of all babies born in the US are girls, there is a huge portion of the younger population who could get pregnant. Therefore by having only boys there will be no more abortions or even unwanted pregnancies. This way the Administration can continue to cut funding to women’s health care facilities not based on political and religious grounds but due to demographical shifts.

Thank you for your cooperation.

-dcc

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Vigilantism in the Ranks

2006-02-28T16:53:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: American Sheriffs Association
FROM: dcc
RE: Vigilantism in the Ranks
CC: FEMA

The reports out of Mississippi are dangerous and must be stopped. Wide spread vigilantism may break out if Sheriff Billy McGee is not sentenced to a harsh punishment for delivering water and ice to Katrina Victims when FEMA was stopping by bureaucratic ineptitude and debilitating stupidity. By taking the water sent by the Federal Government to the people who needed it, Sheriff McGee put the lives of many Americans at risk. The Administration’s Department of Homeland Security knew what to do in that time period and stopping for days on end with water and ice in the hot southern summer was the right thing to do for the American people.

Please put an end to this type of selfless service.

Send letters to the US Attorney’s Office to Demand Action.

Dunn Lampton
United States Attorney
Southern District of Mississippi
188 East Capitol Street
One Jackson Place, Suite 500
Jackson, Mississippi 39201
Phone: 601-965-4480
Fax: 601-965-4409
email: dunn.lampton@usdoj.gov

To Protect and Serve the Executive Branch.

-dcc

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New Member Announcement

2006-02-28T16:40:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: The American Corporate Alliance
FROM: dcc
RE: New Member Announcement

It is with great pleasure I announce that the American Red Cross will be joining our Alliance. After a $500K media buy for a public relations push and a Senate inquiry into financial shadiness, the Red Cross has passed its tests to be a full fledged member of the ACA.

Over the years, allegations of misallocated funds have sparked our interest however nothing has been as good as their mismanagement of the post-Katrina relief efforts and their total disregard of the donors’ will.

Congratulations Red Cross on your entry.

-dcc

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Keeping the French Chicken Out

2006-02-27T17:00:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: World Poultry Consumers
FROM: dcc
RE: Keeping the French Chicken Out

WPC:

Your understandable fear of French Chicken is only a baseless fear. Chicken, while a major product of France, tends to do no harm without major support from its allies. In that most of the world now is fighting the Bird Flu issue, fear not in the consumption of French Chicken. The French Chicken is famous for being perceived as harmful while really just being quite tasty and artistic. Danger is not usually a characteristic of the French Chicken.

Your need to boycott the French Chicken at this point is not necessary and will only lead to more misunderstandings. Besides it is not like the French boycott or impose ridiculously debilitating tariffs on other nation’s agricultural products.

But please let the French Chicken into your markets. When was the last time anything French caused any harm?

-dcc

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Women in our Workplace

2006-02-27T11:58:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: CEOs
FROM: dcc
RE: Women in our Workplace

Gentlemen:

A recent study shows that women know we are keeping them out of power in the corporate environment. This is not truly a problem yet and the publishers of the study have even blamed women for their lack of ambition.

The study entitled “More women business leaders should step into the limelight,” recently pointed out the need for women to take more responsibilities and charge up the ladder of corporate power. While this is nice, gentlemen, let us do our very best to insure our jobs and power for the next generation.

We can do better. Long live the glass-ceiling.

-dcc

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Continued Oppression of Curiosity and Literary Imperialism

2006-02-27T10:43:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Man in the Yellow Hat
FROM: dcc
RE: Continued Oppression of Curiosity and Literary Imperialism
CC: CG, Rey Family Trust

MYH:

Your continued oppression of a “sad but still a little curious” monkey has been going on for the last half of a century. Your inability to see the errors of your ways has finally been illuminated by our allies in the fight against fun children’s story books at the ArkOnline. Clearly the true account of your life with a wild monkey living in your home in suburbia without a jungle gym is a tried and true example of imperialism. How could we remain silent in the face of such terror?

While there are countless other oppressive acts and imperialistic tendencies being pursued around the world, we along with ArkOnline feel it is paramount to end the oppression of living breathing friend of nature you have imprisoned for the last six decades. This is of the utmost importance.

FREE GEORGE!

-dcc

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You will be ungrounded when you start behaving

2006-02-26T19:48:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Iraqis
FROM: dcc
RE: You will be ungrounded when you start behaving

Iraqis:

Stop complaining about your curfew. You have been grounded because of your bad behavior. Clearly because you are not following the rules of the omni-correct and omnipotent liberators of the United States, you have been grounded.

The lack of food for your family, clean water to drink or desire to go outside is because you have been bad. So until you can all get your act together, you will remain grounded.

Keep it in mind next time you think you want to start a large fight; you will get grounded.

Go to your room, if it is not liberated by US artillery.

-dcc

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Reaching for the Middle is when the Terrorist Win, Stick to No Child Left Behind

2006-02-25T14:18:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: TFA
FROM: dcc
RE: Reaching for the Middle is when the Terrorist Win, Stick to No Child Left Behind

Teachers:

In an op-ed published today in the Washington Post, that liberal bastion of terror, we find that your ranks are looking to strive to reach the “normal” or mediocre students. These students may consist of a majority of the kids you will teach and may even one-day walk the halls of power, but in America we strive for the best because that is what freedom and standardized tests are about.

Please advise your teachers to stop this complaining about not having down time and the need to reach the average student. The reality is that this Administration has given the education system all it needs. No Child Left Behind and its fantastic systems wide standardized tests give your teachers everything to reach the kids.

Thank you for your dedication to what the administration thinks is best for the future of America.

-dcc

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Responsibility for Actions

2006-02-24T18:24:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Marriage Protectors and Traditional Values Defenders
FROM: dcc
RE: Responsibility for Actions
CC: Focus on the Family, Christian Coalition et al.

Friends:

This is time to applaud the sometime difficult Sudan. Here this government, guilty of the mass murder and genocide of hundreds of thousands and forcible displacement of millions, has taken a stand for traditional values. It has said there is to be no sexual relationship with out marriage. Please consider inviting the community organization who demanded such action to our next meeting; for they were able to force society to act in a way that is parallel with our values. There are lessons to learn from the Sudanese in this manner.

We stand firmly with the Sudanese forcing Mr Tombe to marry his goat after he took her virtue.

-dcc

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FREEDOM OF INFORMATION and ACLU

2006-02-24T18:11:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Mr. Robert Mueller, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation
FROM: dcc
RE: FREEDOM OF INFORMATION and ACLU
CC: DOD, Gitmo Guards International: Local 10987 (GGI 10987)

Mueller:

The ACLU involvement in this particular aspect of work is unacceptable. This organization has worked to limit the USA PATRIOT ACT. This obviously has affected your ability to see the big picture of this administration; ignore these requests. Have you not see the news about FISA? What about the wire taps? Mueller: we don’t follow the rules anymore.

Regardless of your thoughts on the so-called torture of gitmo detainees, the administration knows what is best.

Again, regards to Ann.

-dcc

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Behavior unfitting for a government official and appointee

2006-02-24T14:18:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Mr. Robert Mueller, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation
FROM: dcc
RE: Behavior unfitting for a government official and appointee
CC: DOD, Gitmo Guards International: Local 10987 (GGI 10987)

Mr. Mueller, et al:

Sir, disagreement over the legal treatment of detained evil doers is tantamount to treason. I write you this memo to remind you that while Scooter may be out of the picture, there are many other people who can take the fall and out one of your family members as a spy in a foreign country or something to that effect. While you are an exemplary member of the Executive Wing of our government, I need not remind you we are currently in a don’t ask don’t tell administration. And therefore your disagreement with the treatment in Guantanamo is unacceptable, for your allegations of will result in asking and telling by entirely too many people.

While you may have the last word in domestic interrogations that you know about, a military investigation into allegations of abuse at Guantanamo Bay found the cumulative effect of the detainee's treatment was abusive, but not illegal. So there.

Please take this memo as a friendly warning to get in step with the administration or have your wife vilified by unnamed sources close to the President and Robert Novak. Regards to Ann.

-dcc

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The Blame Game: the Jews, America and the rest of the world

2006-02-23T23:35:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Organizers of Fundamentalist Response to Cartoons
FROM: dcc
RE: The Blame Game: the Jews, America and the rest of the world

Organizers:

Please remember that the cartoons that you are all organizing around to bring the destruction of many flags, embassies and fast food establishments, are directly connected with the bombing of Golden Mosque in Samarra, Iraq. Clearly the cartoons that were printed in Northern Europe, a very friendly location for Jews and the United States, were responsible for the sectarian violence committed against the Shi’ite holy site. Not the Jews or the United States, but the actual cartoons.

Accordingly please follow the example of the Pakistani riot yesterday.

Thank you all.

-dcc

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Save the Free Freedom of Expression and Enterprise

2006-02-23T17:58:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Blog People, Internet Start Up People and other web-types
FROM: dcc
RE: Save the Free Freedom of Expression and Enterprise

Friends:

This memo is intended to serve as a notice: Internet Service Providers, according to Steven Levy’s Newsweek Article, are going to start charging websites and services for the use of high speed connections. While this will not eliminate the existence of the free sites, blogs or start-ups it may create a second class web nation of those targeted by this memo.

So now is the time to rise up or at least write something about it and be completely indignant. We the few and proud individuals of the blog world have a responsibility to write long and meaningful manifestos about anything of consequence in the world, while most of the time we, the few and the proud, write long and meaningless manifestos about everything without consequence.

Therefore it is time to protect our rights as the purveyors of useless information and opinion to support our right to have our voices be heard as loud as the rest of the people who pretend they should be heard. Just because you have a column in the New York Times or the Washington Post or even on Daily Kos, means your long winded opinions are more important than the millions on WordPress or Blogger.

US Senator Ron Wyden (D-OR) is taking on this cause. Please write to him to say thank you: http://wyden.senate.gov/contact/. Also write to your senator and ask him or her to stick up for your right to let everyone know what you feel for free.

We are the people of the web. There are a lot of us. We clearly have enough time to write about nothing, everyday. We can take a few minutes a week to cause trouble in our local senate offices. If we do not do it, then the terrorist win.

-dcc

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Reports of Incompetence Can Lead to Termination

2006-02-23T11:10:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: CEOs, CFOs and Government Executives
FROM: dcc
RE: Reports of Incompetence Can Lead to Termination

Gentlemen:

Well this is a turn for the worst. The report being widely circulated today about Fannie Mae and its “down turn” will lead to a determent environment for our friends. This report states that the head of the company’s finances was ultimately responsible for its financial problems. There was no fall person, no woman middle level executive to fire, no mass lay offs to save bonuses. This is a terrifying trend: Executives being held responsible.

Obviously this memo is to inform you of the situation and to begin our “conversations” with law makers to insure this does not continue. Simply because there is not a tax bracket high enough for most of us, does not mean we do not get special protections from the law.

-dcc

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Leave the President Alone

2006-02-22T21:56:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Members of the 109th Congress, National Governors Association
FROM: dcc
RE: Leave the President Alone
CC: POTUS, VPOTUS, Secretary Michael Chertoff

As we learned in the the previous memo on this topic we need to trust the President simply because he asked us trust him. Now we know that we don’t even need to trust him because the President of the United States had nothing to do with the resale of ports to a foreign government owned corporation.

It is clear that this is just a simple deal for the United States. People, it is clear. The ever truthful Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary said “One thing we will never do is outsource to anyone the control and security of our ports, whether that's Dubai or any other entity that operates terminals at our ports."

The control of the entire Eastern Sea board the currently destroyed New Orleans port are not as important as wire tapping your phones. The time is now to reinstate the USA PATRIOT ACT.

-dcc

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Intent to Legislate from the Bench for Attention

2006-02-22T15:44:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: The State of South Dakota
FROM: dcc
RE: Intent to Legislate from the Bench for Attention

South Dakotans:

Pursuant to the passage and signing of the Abortion Ban later this week or early next week, your legislators are openly arguing that this law will be decided by the Supreme Court. State Representative Roger Hunt, a Republican who has sponsored the bill, said that he is “convinced that the timing is right for this," noting the appointments of Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. and Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. to the court. He continued by stating that the “strong possibility of a third appointee sometime soon makes this all very real and very viable," Mr. Hunt added, a reference to conjecture that Justice John Paul Stevens, 85, might soon retire. "I think it will all culminate at the right time."

South Dakotans, both Legislators and Citizens, the rest of the United States will pay attention to you if you would like. There is no need to try make the slim majority opinion in your sparsely populated state the law of the land based on the fact that a there are some new robes on the bench. I promise to pay more attention to you if you promise to leave judicial precedent alone.

Deal?

-dcc

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New Appointment of Cardinals

2006-02-22T14:13:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: The Church
FROM: dcc
RE: New Appointment of Cardinals
CC: World Wildlife Foundation

Catholics:

Mazel tov! However it looks more like a dove than a Cardinal. All recipients, please advise.

-dcc

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Band of Brothers – Action needed

2006-02-21T23:22:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: RCCC
FROM: dcc
RE: Band of Brothers – Action needed
CC: Swift Boat Vets For Truth

In an earlier memo to Republican Legislators we outlined the problem of Democrats actually pointing out our flaws not only flopping around as they have since the early 1990s and now they have organized their veteran candidates. It is going to be unbelievably difficult to call all of these people un-American. We were able to get Max Cleland, but more than 50 decorated vets?

Therefore we must take action now. The Band of Brothers, is a PAC dedicated to electing veterans as Democrats to the 110th Congress. This will be devastating to our ability to paint all Dems as pink-o commie weaklings. While we were able to out maneuver Kerry and cut of Cleland we do not have the resources to nail all of these vets and dedicated servants of the average American.

Again please advise.

-dcc

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Let the President do his job!

2006-02-21T17:10:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Members of the 109th Congress, National Governors Association
FROM: dcc
RE: Let the President do his job!
CC: POTUS, VPOTUS, Secretary Michael Chertoff

Congress and Governers:

Please allow the President to do his job of opening markets and therefore opening closed societies to true democracy. As we know, President Bush is a full supporter of all things democratic in the Middle East, either by force or by finance. By granting a Middle Eastern company the opportunity to provide the security of American ports, the Administration is spreading good will and the watch word of democracy through the Middle East.

In a 20-minute impromptu meeting with reporters aboard Air Force One, Bush said he would veto any legislation that attacks these port deals. President Bush also said by having the elected officials of the people of the United States air concerns about the safety of such a deal would send "mixed signals" because no criticism was raised when a British company was in charge. The President continued by demanding that you all "step up and explain why a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard."

People, we need to help the President and not hinder him with meaningless threats of checks and balances. The President was elected by an overwhelming number of people, more than any of you (in raw data) and should be seen as the final word on all things having to do with the democratization of the Middle East.

Thank you for your understanding.

-dcc

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Fiscally Sound Democratic Gov. to Tax to Pay for Infrastructure Improvements

2006-02-21T10:10:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Legislative Republicans
FROM: dcc
RE: Fiscally Sound Democratic Gov. to Tax to Pay for Infrastructure Improvements
CC: Gov Timothy M. Kaine, (D-VA)

Legislative Republicans:

The Democrats are finally getting it: Tax and Spend on things the average American needs. They Dems are calling us for cutting education and funding wars like they always did but now they are funding roads with these taxes? There is trouble afoot.

The cuts we propose across the country to make our nation’s government significantly smaller domestically while funneling funds overseas to make our imperial presence domineering for the pursuit of freedom are finally catching up to us and this is an election year. Gov. Kaine (copied on this because of the pesky Freedom of Information Act) has said that the House committee's refusal to consider tax increases for road and transit spending led it to cut "really good, important programs" in the state's operating budget. They even got us for cutting a few million for the teachers of tough school.

These pesky Dems have found the cavernous flaw in our system; money from our citizens should not be spent on tax cuts and force fed democracy. Gentlemen we must do something.

Please advise. Read more here and here.

-dcc

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Judicial Review Marred by Interpretation

2006-02-20T23:12:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: The Framers of the Constitution
FROM: dcc
RE: Judicial Review Marred by Interpretation

Franklin, Washington, Hamilton, Hancock et al:

For your review – please resolve judicial branch understanding

As you can see from this report, many members of the bench appointed by the two Parties still running the country you so intelligently framed a few years back, tend to have prejudicial positions on criminals that seem to favor their political appointers core constituency.

While this may be hard to grasp, it seems that the jurists appointed by the populous party favor shorter sentence for what is being termed as street crimes while serving harsh sentences on those committing corporate crime or white collar crime. The landed party tends to follow the opposite trend. This is a shocking abomination to the stated purpose of your judicial system must be addressed. Thank you all for your time.

-dcc

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Ice is still slippery

2006-02-20T21:45:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Ice Sport Participants
FROM: dcc
RE: Ice is still slippery

ISPs:

According to a recent study done by many top scientists from many of the best universities and research labs in the world including Northwestern University, Lawrence Berkeley and the University of California, Davis ice is still slippery.

These scientists are working tirelessly to explain the reason behind this phenomenon. Further proving that the pursuit of already acquired knowledge will produce very important advances for society.

-dcc

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Wal-Mart Maturity: Ward or Department?

2006-02-19T19:41:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: OBGYN Association of America
FROM: dcc
RE: Wal-Mart Maturity: Ward or Department?

OBGYNers:

By now I am sure you have heard about the baby born in a Florida Wal-Mart. However what I am not sure you have heard is that the mother was no just going in for the reported baby car seat, but was smiling because of the falling prices of the Wal-Mart Maturity Ward. The jobs of the OBGYN Association of America members are in jeopardy of being smashed by falling prices.

Wal-Mart is taking over even the most technical of professions. When Wal-Mart came for the small business no one said anything. When Wal-Mart came for the bookstores no one said anything. When Wal-Mart came for the food stores no one said anything. When Wal-Mart came for the auto-parts stores no one said anything. But now when Wal-Mart comes for the OBGYNers, there seems like there is no one left to say anything.

This classic fight of David verses the Goliath will not end here, soon surgeons and lawyers will become victims of the Herculean falling prices. Even the Wal-Mart employees said "It was excellent customer service." It is time to work together to stop this empire.

-dcc

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A Friend Told Me it was True Creationism

2006-02-19T14:43:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Scientists and Educators
FROM: dcc
CC: Evangelist Ken Ham
RE: A Friend Told Me it was True Creationism

Scientists and Educators:

Clearly there is new research available to teach us of the origin of mankind. Mr. Ken Ham and his organization Answers in Genesis will provide these findings. I for one am very happy to be able to provide this information to you in this memo: Scientists do not know anyone who saw the Big Bang, and therefore it could not have happened because they did not see it happen. Mr. Ham clearly knows and speaks with God as a friend – in that Mr. Ham says God was there at the beginning of the world, therefore in that he knows a friend who saw it happen and no scientist has a friend who saw the Big Bang take place, the Genesis creation story must be true.

As many of you know as well, there is a concurrent theory of creation of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. There is no one in the Church of FSM who knows the FSM and therefore fails Mr. Ham’s theory of “a friend told me it was true” creationism cannot be satisfied.

Thank you all and please send your regards to Mr. Ham.

-dcc

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Global Warming?

2006-02-18T19:13:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: So-called Scientists
FROM: dcc
RE: Global Warming?

SCS:

Tonight’s overnight low in NYC will feel like 8 degrees Fahrenheit (or -13.3 C for you non-Americans). So therefore your argument about global warming or what you have re-termed “Climate Change” is clearly flawed. While the temperature yesterday was in the mid-50s Fahrenheit (10-15 C) yesterday, it is freezing today. Colder than it has been all season. The science is in the wind chill.

The truth behind Climate Change is that it is not true. We know that weather changes and sometime there are new different issues that come about in global climate. Heavy Rains leading to devastating mudslides, Hurricane Katrina, Rita, Wilma and all 31 other tropical storms, the coldest winter in Russia ever , 65 degree Fahrenheit (24 C) days followed by Ice Storms are meaningless. The new reports of Global Warming from the artic ignore the benefits of changing the world and look only at the new source of carbon being released into the air compounding the so-called hole in the Ozone.

As most intelligently designed individuals understand, that nothing we can do will change the logical and natural pursuit of the climate. Slowing the use of Freedom Sauce or other petroleum products will only make this country less free, because as we have learned in the last few years all scientific issues are political.

-dcc

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Ideas for Chinese Food Restaurants

2006-02-17T13:08:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Restaurateurs
FROM: dcc
RE: Ideas for Chinese Food Restaurants

Some of you may remember the MEMOSPOT Culinary and Economic Award given to New Time Restaurant last December. Many people have been in contact with me to solicit advice on how to start a new restaurant. Here are some ideas for a Wok Restaurant. Good luck with all your endeavors.

Wok around the Clock – 24 Hour Chinese Food
Wok In, Take Out – Take out only Chinese Food
Wok and Roll – Free CD and Egg Roll with ever Order
Speed Woking – Fast and Healthy Chinese Food

-dcc

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The Eternal Upper Respiratory Illness Inflicted upon the City Commentary and Responses

2006-02-16T20:29:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: NYC Commuters
FROM: dcc
CC: http://moldinfo4u.com
RE: The Eternal Upper Respiratory Illness Inflicted upon the City Commentary and Responses

Friends:

As you know the War on the Upper Respiratory Illness (URI) is well underway. However I would like to update you all on new member of the Coalition of the Cleaning and Disinfecting.

Here is the Commentary and Response from the Private and Classified memo:

black mold test kit said...
Warning...Warning.. Safety Tip of the WEEK...If you are having problems with colds and sickness in your home and you live in a moist wet ares [sic] of the country. Then you might want a black mold test kit .. If you see black dust looking stuff on your walls or around your bathtub,shower [sic] or sink then you probaly [sic] have a mold problem and need to get a black mold test kit . Dont [sic] panic and think you need to get a black mold test kit right away. You can use bleach to clean it up with some paper tools and then dispose of the towels a trash bag. If you need some more info visit http://moldinfo4u.com I hope you have a safe and sickness free home...

Clearly we have strong, intelligent help in the War on URI.

-dcc

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Canine Human Shared Attributes

2006-02-15T13:32:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Dogs and Dog Owners
FROM: dcc
CC: Westminster Kennel Club
RE: Canine Human Shared Attributes

Friends and Man’s Best:

Over the past six months I have done extensive observatory research to the fact that approximately 99% of dogs share a majority of behavioral and physical attributes with their owners. While I cannot determine what party has greater influence over the other it is clear to me that a significant percentage of Canine Human pairs do have similar shared attributes.

For example, one might notice a large, strong dog running next to his proud tall and strong athletic owner. This may seem like a very obvious relationship yet there are much more profound relationships as well. Another example is the shorter pugnacious man who lives with his six mini-pugs. As he walks with shuffled feet, all six of his “boys” encircle him with tripping over themselves as well. When the dogs are friendly to passers by, so is the owner. Many has been the time in my observations, if the dogs are made unhappy by the proximity of a passerby, the owner is ready and willing to get in anyone’s face.

Please view the library of photos provided here for further proof and feel free to contact me with reviews or other theories.

-dcc

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Degradation of Traditional Flavors

2006-02-14T17:04:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Coca Cola Corporation, Pepsi Corporation, Dr. Pepper Corporation, et al
FROM: dcc
CC: TCA
RE: Degradation of Traditional Flavors

Cola Corporations:

The current trend we have seen around the country of non-traditional unions of flavors in soda is un-American and in staunch opposition to our traditional values. Things like Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper or Black Cherry Diet Coke are simply wrong and as a concerned American I will spend endless hours to insure that the spread of this putrid filth is stopped.

Over the years, we have seen failed attempts by your companies to change the fabric of America. Clear Coke and Crystal Pepsi failed because no God-fearing American would be caught dead in the same room as this drink let alone drink such a “cola.” As we all know cola is the union of sugar and brown fizzy water. Nothing else can be called cola for it would be non-traditional and hence degrade the institution of cola.

While some changes have taken place over time (diet colas, sprite and 7up colas or fruit flavored cola) they obviously fall into the traditional definitions of cola because all reasonable people agree with such a statement. Yet these add-in flavors making people look twice in a convenient store and tasting like nothing God had intended a completely synthetic beverage to taste like; your new so-called “colas” are ripping at the fabric of an important American institution: sugar based beverages.

Let it be known that I and the undersigned members of our Traditional Cola Alliance will not be silenced and oppressed by your destruction of traditional America.

-dcc

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Wiretap Permission Slip

2006-02-08T19:10:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Subversives and Rebels
FROM: dcc
CC: VPOTUS, POTUS, USAG, DOJ
RE: Wiretap Permission Slip

So called liberty protectors:

Due the increases in your excessive ‘rights’ (which by the way we were protecting) from the recent act of Congress, we are circulating this memo to inform you that you will receive a Wiretap Permission Slip (WPS) with in the next few weeks.

In the expansion of FISA or to rather follow it your WPS will be held on file at the DOJ. This way there will be no need for the court ruling but forced participation by all those suspected and probably involved with terrorists, both at home and abroad.

If you know someone in your so-called Peace organization or other terrorist groups you belong to who did not receive a copy of this memo, please feel free to forward it to them.

-dcc

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Not being censored by our Chinese Food Providers

2006-02-07T21:27:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Chinese Food Eaters
FROM: dcc
RE: Not being censored by our Chinese Food Providers

Friends:

While the country of origin may have the ability to take some liberties with liberty, here at the Memo Spot we feel obligated to step up and engage our parent company Google’s weakness. Please know that this food sign is found in every single Chinese Food Provider in the world.

Well that is a lie. However, the Memo Spot feel obligated to exercise its freedoms of expression and perhaps bend the truthification of this picture.

However, the Memo Spot applauds those in the memo and blog community for stepping up to the plate against all of the corporate and government interests fighting US and other truthifing.

-dcc

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****** (Truthified) by the Great State of China

2006-02-07T21:11:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Chinese Affiliates
FROM: dcc
CC: Hu Jintao, President of China
RE: ****** (Truthified) by the Great State of China

Friends:

Let it be known, that we here at our company will be falling under the new guidelines put forth by our parent cooperation ****** (The Great Truth Finder), we too will be ****** (truthified) by China.

We would also like you to know that ** **** ** ****** ** ******** ** the Chinese peoples’ ****** ** *******.

Thank you all and may *** **** America and China

-dcc

[**** (words) = the Great State's new words; ***** **** = the Great State finds no truth in anything, hence no addition or new truth]

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The Use of Meeting Requests Without Personalization

2006-02-06T16:11:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Meeting Planers
FROM: dcc
CC: All Staff
RE: The Use of Meeting Requests Without Personalization

MPs:

While technology makes all of our lives better, more reliable and involves considerably less human interaction, we must all take the time to remember we work with people and not just other computers. Therefore this memo is to serve as a reminder that when you send a “Meeting Requests” through Outlook, take a minute to write a little note.

For those of you who work in Data Services or just lack all interpersonal skills here are two examples of “Meeting Requests.” The first example is what we are trying to get away from, while the second is what we strive for in our company.

To: Jim Staffmember
From: dcc
Location: Conf Room B
RE: your behavior last week

What is wrong with this message you ask. Clearly one will jump to the obvious conclusion the Jim is in a bit of hot water with management, however if personalization took place it would be clear what the real reason is for this meeting.

To: Jim Staffmember
From: dcc
Location: Conf Room B
RE: your behavior last week
NOTE: I would like to discuss with you how well you handled the fire and aftermath last week. In addition it is always a pleasure to talk with you.

As you can see, this personalization in the form of a NOTE takes only seconds and makes the recipient of said request, feel like he is a person again. Please help spread the feeling of humanity through the company again. It is important to remember we are all human.

-dcc

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Puerile thoughts of the under utilized executive and the existence of the Big-kid Syndrome

2006-01-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Dr. Goldfleldenstinenberg, Director; Harvard School of Psychiatric Research
FROM: dcc
RE: Puerile thoughts of the under utilized executive and the existence of the Big-kid Syndrome

Doc-

Today I present to you another formula I have developed in observing 78 executives in 50 different Fortune 500 corporations over the last six months. Clearly this study did have to stop in order to fulfill our societal obligation to save the lives of millions, hence this is an incomplete study that did however receive conclusive results.

These results are:

1. Executives act like the “big-kid” on the playground.
2. “Big-kid Syndrome” (BS) leads to a feeling of invisibility.
3. BS leads executives to extreme measures to pursue the bottom line.
4. Many other high level people who interact with such executives tend exhibit characteristics of BS and have BS relationships as well.
a. This extends to politicians, regulators and bureaucrats

The method to this study was quite simple actually. First the 78 executives were chosen at random, however all 500 thought corporations felt their CEO would be the best for the study and offered better seats at their share holders meetings. Then these executives were observed over the course of six (6) months in which all interactions with other people was documented in three (3) ways:

1. Who started the conversation?
2. Who ended the conversation?
3. Did the conversation end in a non-sequester where one party was left confused and defeated? (i.e. did one of the parties maturely state “naha naha po po”)

A significant majority of the interactions were started, ended and with such a mature non-sequester by the executive. This set of data is what is used to show that all 78 of the participants in this study exhibit BS on a daily basis. Yes that is right 100% of executives in Fortune 500 corporations have nothing but BS relationships with those who work for them.

Because of BS, executives do not take into consideration the lives of the people their corporations touch. For example the big-kid intends to be in charge of the entire situation on the jungle gym, regardless of the feelings or safety of younger and perceivably inferior children. Much is the same in the mentality of these BS executives. These men and women want to swing on the tire more than they seem to care about the longevity of such an investment. I feel that we may have taken this metaphor a little far in explaining this particular aspect of this syndrome.

BS executives will only take into consideration the direct effects on his or her self and corporation, hence leading to a negative playground environment. I suppose the continued abuse of this metaphor could be useful.

Thus with this in mind we continued only for two more months to observe the BS executives and felt that the study needed to be pursued in a broader fashion in order to save the lives of the millions of people confused by the “naha naha po po” management style and to protect the dorks, the nerds and the middle management lackeys lost in the harsh effects of this BS epidemic.

Again regards to Mara.

-dcc

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Appointment of PEZ dispenser to the Hall of Candy and herrings of said appointment

2006-01-23T11:17:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: National Confectioners Association
FROM: dcc
RE: Appointment of PEZ dispenser to the Hall of Candy and herrings of said appointment.

Over the past few weeks much has been said about the packaged felling of the PEZ dispenser’s answers in his hearings to be appointed to the coveted Hall of Candy. However after 79 years of existence, PEZ has shown a long history of similar answers to almost every situation put before him. His constancy should not be a surprise to anyone.

However, there are many in the “health food” world who are pointing the finger at our nominee. They are saying that his inability to answer questions regarding his position on eating more than one candy at a time is evidence that he is against eating more than one candy at a time. While all one would have to do is look to his distribution history to show that if a child wants more than one piece of PEZ he/she would have only to wait until the his head went back down and up to deliver this piece of candy.

Also frivolous accusations were flung at our nominee regarding his associate with the so called exclusive sugar only clubs at his institution of higher learning. We, candy lovers and traditionalist, understand that sugar clubs are not to the determent of chocolate or other candies, but they are for the longevity of a glorious history of sugar candies. In reality PEZ is more than just a sugar only candy.

Please write to the board to insure PEZ hold his rightful space in the Hall of Candy.

Thank you for your continued support.

-dcc

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Unmitigated Reliance on Spell Check

2006-01-12T15:21:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Recent Collegiate Graduates
FROM: dcc
RE: Unmitigated Reliance on Spell Check

Friends:

This memo is to serve as a reminder that we must give thanks to the creator of Spell Check. In a recent survey complied by MEMOSPOT it has become clear that a significant number of Recent Collegiate Graduates (RCG) are completely and utterly dependent on Spell Check. In some cases those typing were found to not be able to understand their pervious statement without the “auto correct” function.

In that the findings of this study were so staggering, MEMOSPOT on behalf of all RCG in the world would like to award the Red Squiggly Subscript Line Award to Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and other techno-nerds involved in the total destruction of the properly spelled written prose.

-dcc

(Point of information: 10 words in this memo were spelled incorrectly and two were auto-corrected)

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The Eternal Upper Respiratory Illness Inflicted upon the City

2006-01-04T11:23:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: NYC Commuters
FROM: dcc
RE: The Eternal Upper Respiratory Illness Inflicted upon the City

Private and Classified

Ladies and Gentlemen:

After my second bout of this evilness embodied in shortness in breath, headache, runny nose and pure terrorism of the post-nasal drip, I suggest – here in this memo – that we declare a War on the Upper Respiratory Illness (URI). Much like the War on Terrorism, this war will take place in the hearts and minds of the world’s population.

First we must declare one group of people obviously responsible and later retract such a statement to say that only those extremist are the ones truly guilty of the infliction of the infection. Personally I believe we should set our sights on the hipster community. Those hipsters feel as if everything below 14th Street is theirs to dirty and mess up just enough to pretend their $500 jeans were worn-in and not bought that way. These people do not shower enough, hence they are guilty.

Stage two will be to set up fear inducing advertisements regarding the URI. These ads can have color coding. For example, “Clear” means “Drink more water and get more rests” while “Bright Green” means “Go to the doctor and spend the $67.50 on a Z-pak.”

The third stage will be to integrate a few hipsters into the fight against URI. This way the target of stage one will be demystified and will show our compassion. However, this hipster will not really be from below 14th Street but rather a cleaner “would-be” hipster. This way not only do we achieve positive PR from those radical investigative journalists; we will not have to touch the unclean.

While we will never eradicate the URI from the world, we will be able to spend tons of money and time gallivanting around the city of New York pretending to be on a mission of civic duty. The time is now to get on board with this effort, for it you are not with us, you are for the evil that is embodied in post-nasal drip.

-dcc

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The Painful Use of the Phrase “At the End of the Day”

2005-12-28T14:51:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Young American Professionals
FROM: dcc
RE: The Painful Use of the Phrase “At the End of the Day”

As you remember from “The lackluster lexicon and banality of ‘awesome’ and ‘amazing’” memo dated 28 August 2005, the usage of language is imperative to the longevity of our professional positions. Clearly the message outlined in that memo was interpreted extremely conservatively. The central aspect of that memo was to impart that overuse of particular terms, words or phrases diminish the power of ones point. Therefore this memo has become necessary.

“At the end of the day” does not mean anything besides the time when the sun is no longer in the sky. “Regardless of the time, the sun sets at the end of the day” for example is an appropriate use of this phrase while “At the end of the day, the contract will be signed or we are going to walk out of the negotiations,” is not.

Many of us believe that simply using phrases that have taken on new meaning in our daily lives makes them appropriate in professional interactions. This is wrong. Everyone in society understands the common usage of the word “dude,” however one would be wrong to employ such a pronoun in an office setting unless one was working at the ranch office.

Accordingly please file this memo with the 28 August 2005 memo to use as reference prior to any major interaction in a professional setting.

-dcc

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Dominance of Males in the World Strongest Man Championships

2005-12-27T00:58:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Magnus Magnus
FROM: dcc
CC: MET-Rx

RE: Dominance of Males in the World Strongest Man Championships

MM-

As always it was great seeing you on ESPN 2 last night at 4:30 am. In this memo I hope to address two major issues. One is the dominance of males in the World’s Strongest Man Championships (WSMC). The second is the necessity of dragging a very large vehicle for an extended distance…we all know you guys are buff.

Man is an older term that represents all of humanity; as in "Mankind" or "Man was placed here on earth to do good." To make a statement like a World’s Strongest MAN Championship makes it seem as if women are also included in these events. Is this true?

Therefore I ask you to address if there is a need to change the name of the WSMC to World’s Strongest Male Championship? A follow up to this question is to explore the feasibility of a World’s Strongest Female Championship.

Take care Magnus and send regards to Gertrude

-dcc

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Real grievances sited for MTA/TWU Strike

2005-12-22T15:15:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: NYC Commuters
FROM: dcc
RE: Real grievances sited for MTA/TWU Strike

By now I am sure you have heard the good news that the 2005 MTA Strike has ended; if not actually but on paper. The Union and the MTA have come to an agreement to come back to the table. However the real reasons for the strike are coming out as we speak and it was fitting to pass this information along to you all in a memo.

The TWU felt the unsafe rider-ship of Jesse L. Martin and Wilson Jermaine Heredia provoked by the filming of Anthony Rapp along the E Train has gone unrestricted by the MTA. The TWU has demanded that all parties responsible for the actions of Martin, Heredia and Rapp are reprimanded and fined. The MTA felt this was a ridiculous request.

However after the MTA was shown a security film of the above mentioned incident by State Mediators, Gary Dellaverson, MTA Chief Negotiator gave into this demand. The TWU came back to the table affectively accepting the new guidelines for negotiation.

Back to the trains!

-dcc

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The preposterous price of tickets for entertainment purposes

2005-12-20T03:33:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: The Collective of Heightened Entertainment and Action Performers (CHEAP)
FROM: dcc
CC: The Academy
RE: The preposterous price of tickets for entertainment purposes

CHEAP:

This memo is to discuss the profit margin of all entertainment ticket proceeds. The average price of a ticket to a movie in the United States is approximately $8. The average price to see a live performance of a play or musical is $40 and on Broadway approximately $100. One can see RENT, or see RENT on the stage or actually pay rent.

The time has come to explain yourselves. While it is totally respectable to demand fair wages and equal pay for time worked, it seems a bit ridiculous to fight for better star trailers and colder Fuji Water. As a member of the community at large I ask for a full disclosure of the CHEAP budget and income.

In the rest of this memo you will find an outline requesting the following items and questions to be answered:

1. Please provide a full tax summary of the CHEAP Assets
2. Please provide a full disclosure on all income and expenses for CHEAP members.
3. Why must it cost so much to go to the movies?
4. Why do you insist on making popcorn so expensive?
5. Why do you insist on making the popcorn so stale?
6. Why did you insist on making on of the most over rated shows in the last twenty years into on of the most over rated movies in the last two months?

I very much look forward to reviewing the information provided by your CHEAP attorney and CHEAP accountant. Please understand that I am only looking for the best solution for an extremely important problem in today’s society; for without low cost entertainment, we will all turn to a life of crime and violence.

Please let the board know of this issue as soon as possible.

Thank you.

-dcc

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High School Reunion Reversal Syndrome

2005-12-16T18:41:00.000-05:00

Memo

TO: Dr. Goldfleldenstinenberg, Director; Harvard School of Psychiatric Research
FROM: dcc
RE: High School Reunion Reversal Syndrome

Dr. Goldfleldenstinenberg it is great to work with you again. In the coming months we will see an sharp increase in the number of cases of depression from individuals attending High School reunions. I have come up with a theory that I would like for you to research.

Individuals who feel into the “cool and popular crowd” (CAPC) tend to expect a similar welcoming at their reunions. However as a majority of the research conducted in the last fifteen years on the long term feasibility of consistent CAPC membership, we see that those who were CAPC in High School tend to have low paying menial jobs.

It would be remiss not to mention that those doing the research tend not to be members of CAPC but Bullied, Irritated, Techies, Hurt group or BITCH. BITCH tend to have vested interest in returning the favor on their CAPS later in life. This research may be a contributing factor.

This is why I write this memo. The information is there to prove that CAPS tend to fall into a mild depression because of what I term High School Reunion Reversal Syndrome or HSRRS. There is no adverse affect to the BITCH but CAPS tend to become clinically depressed for approximately one month.

However because of the aforementioned bias in the research data, I ask you sir to follow up on this theory.

Take care and again regards to Mara.

-dcc